Insecurities.

-- Warning: Drama Queen Alert --

Lately, I've been finding that I want to be someone else.
I don't want to look like me,
I don't want to sound like me,
I don't want to act like me.
I loathe my own reflection, and the imperfections I find when I'm drenched in sunlight. I dislike my own personality. I don't feel original enough, I don't feel special. Not wanted, nor welcome. Unappreciated? Yes, that too, even by my own self. I wish I were more significant-- smarter, stronger, more creative. I guess this all has to do with my work, my photography. I love it so much, but I feel like I'm indequate...like I'll never be good enough. I can't catch up with the world. I feel really enthusiastic about it while I'm shooting, but after the post-processing phase, when it comes down to posting my work for the world to see...I hate it, I hate it all. Sometimes I get out of hand, and I want to eliminate every photo I've ever posted and erase my entire existence off of the web...that's how undeserving I feel to even be here, trying to blend in with the art world. Who am I fooling? I browse through my own gallery, searching for something that is truly good, and I find nothing. I look at my photos, that I do spend a great deal of time on, and I say to myself "What is this? Is this the best I can do? Really? Well, that's not good enough, it simply will not do." And the worst part is, I know it's the truth. It's not perfectionism talking, I'm not JUST my biggest critic, it's true-- I could do better, if I really wanted to, if I really tried. Sometimes I hate the personal style I've developed with my photos, they look more like manipulations than real photography, due to the fact that I never have great lighting to work with and I have to make up for it using Photoshop. Also, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not able to express myself through photography the way I wish I could. There's so much more to me than people know, so much more to my soul, that I wish I could display through photos, and I've been unsuccessful with that so far. It feels terrible. What am I doing wrong? Is photography not for me, then? How can that be, when I'm so in love? So obsessed? I even DREAM about CAMERAS, for God's sake! I just wish I could be better at what I do, I wish I could learn to capture things more efficiently, show my concepts the way they were meant to be shown. I know, I know, I need to shut up, stop whining, and change things, rather than complain about them...and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm ashamed of my current gallery, it's really not my best work, not the best I could do by any means. Everything I've posted up until now has just been practice work, not the real thing. Not art. No, definitely not art. I just have a deep desire to delete every last photo and start over, fresh. A clean slate. Better work from a new perspective.

A new me.

His Icy Blues.

Lately, with life moving grudgingly forward, it's been easy to stray away from my love for him. It's been easy to ignore the gnawing ache I usually feel for him, when I haven't had a glimpse of his perfectly imperfect and mysterious face, stone-cold to all emotion, for quite some time...an eternity, it seems. But lately, he's crept back into my troubled mind, through dreams and daydreams. How I could love someone with such a frozen exterior? I shall never know the answer. I don't know how I could love someone who doesn't love me (who hates me, in fact), how I could love someone who doesn't appear to love anyone...but I know, deep in the recesses of his black heart, lies a yearning to love and belong, a burning desire to feel complete. Will he ever feel complete? Will he find that special someone to fill the empty space in his life that I know must be killing him, silently? I'm not sure...but I know with every fiber of my being, that he could fill my empty space so completely. He is the missing piece to the jigsaw puzzle of my life, and it pains me to know that he is unaware of that. I don't belong with a flawless male model, I don't belong with the boy next door, I don't belong with a millionaire, a strong jock, a doctor, lawyer, or a famous rockstar...he is the one I deserve to be with, in all his black-clad and silently-moping glory. He is the one my soul was intended to love. But, due to his hysterical blindness, he'll never realize how much I truly love every inch and aspect of his existence. He could be compelete, too, if he only knew. It is not lust I feel for him, either, not at all...I care for him and would do anything for him, if I knew I could make him happy. When I'm around him, there is a magnetism that even I don't understand, like a million jolts of electricity flowing through me. It was love at first sight three years ago-- from his voice (and sometimes lack thereof) to his mannerisms, his walk to his style, his sarcasm to his accidental silliness, his darkness to his mystery, his mind, his hands, his skin, his eyes...

Damn him and his icy blues, for captivating me so, for making me fall so deeply in love that I may never be able to pull myself back up to the surface. I'm drowning in those eyes. Yeah, yeah, call me crazy, call me a drama queen, but if you've never felt a love this true, this profound, then you have not lived, my friend, and you certainly have not loved.

Beige Corset & Saturday Drowsiness.

I'm new to blogspot. Obviously, this is my first post. From here on out, I hope to update this blog frequently with little semi-interesting bits and pieces from my day-to-day life, for those of you bored enough to read about it. :]

I bought "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer today, as well as a new outfit. I'm SO excited to read this book. I'm only on page 5 so far...boo. Hopefully I'll finish it by the end of this week or so. Going to the theater and the ice cream parlour with my cousins tomorrow, should be good fun. Haven't seen them in a very long time.

GOSH, Midol always makes me so drowsy! No one understands why, it's like I'm a rare case. I'm the only one that gets abnormally drowsy from this stuff. Also, this corset I have on right now is killing me!! I love me some fashionable clothes, but I believe they're all torture devices. Sometimes ya just gotta wear plain ol' jeans and a t-shirt to be happy.

I'm overwhelmed by my own photography. I'm currently in a rut, backed up by a bunch of old photos I need to work on, so I have to put off all of my new ideas until I complete all of the "unfinished business", as I like to call it. I could kick myself for putting it off this long.

You can check out my deviantART gallery at: darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com

I'll have a full gallery on Flickr as well, soon enough. I'm becoming heavily addicted to that site.

Tokio Hotel concert on August 11th!! VERY psyched about that!!

Well, it's time to pack up some more stuff. I'm moving at the end of the month, FINALLY. I'm relieved to escape this place and start over fresh in a new neighborhood, a new home. I need a change, and moving is just the thing to do it. *

P.S. I'm scared to dye my hair all black. :[