Insecurities.

-- Warning: Drama Queen Alert --

Lately, I've been finding that I want to be someone else.
I don't want to look like me,
I don't want to sound like me,
I don't want to act like me.
I loathe my own reflection, and the imperfections I find when I'm drenched in sunlight. I dislike my own personality. I don't feel original enough, I don't feel special. Not wanted, nor welcome. Unappreciated? Yes, that too, even by my own self. I wish I were more significant-- smarter, stronger, more creative. I guess this all has to do with my work, my photography. I love it so much, but I feel like I'm indequate...like I'll never be good enough. I can't catch up with the world. I feel really enthusiastic about it while I'm shooting, but after the post-processing phase, when it comes down to posting my work for the world to see...I hate it, I hate it all. Sometimes I get out of hand, and I want to eliminate every photo I've ever posted and erase my entire existence off of the web...that's how undeserving I feel to even be here, trying to blend in with the art world. Who am I fooling? I browse through my own gallery, searching for something that is truly good, and I find nothing. I look at my photos, that I do spend a great deal of time on, and I say to myself "What is this? Is this the best I can do? Really? Well, that's not good enough, it simply will not do." And the worst part is, I know it's the truth. It's not perfectionism talking, I'm not JUST my biggest critic, it's true-- I could do better, if I really wanted to, if I really tried. Sometimes I hate the personal style I've developed with my photos, they look more like manipulations than real photography, due to the fact that I never have great lighting to work with and I have to make up for it using Photoshop. Also, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not able to express myself through photography the way I wish I could. There's so much more to me than people know, so much more to my soul, that I wish I could display through photos, and I've been unsuccessful with that so far. It feels terrible. What am I doing wrong? Is photography not for me, then? How can that be, when I'm so in love? So obsessed? I even DREAM about CAMERAS, for God's sake! I just wish I could be better at what I do, I wish I could learn to capture things more efficiently, show my concepts the way they were meant to be shown. I know, I know, I need to shut up, stop whining, and change things, rather than complain about them...and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm ashamed of my current gallery, it's really not my best work, not the best I could do by any means. Everything I've posted up until now has just been practice work, not the real thing. Not art. No, definitely not art. I just have a deep desire to delete every last photo and start over, fresh. A clean slate. Better work from a new perspective.

A new me.